Purpose in Trials

I am beginning to see greater purpose in trials. The Lord withholds blessings we want sometimes; we don’t see why, because from our limited perspective those blessings would seem to solve problems and bless us with progress WE feel we need. But the Lord withholds them, and sometimes it can be very trying. But valuable and eternal lessons are taught by trials. Pain, as the Lord says, is a great teacher. I have always been quite a visually oriented person. When I was young, I wanted pretty clothes, but my parents didn’t have means for a lot of fancy clothing, especially after I turned 12, when my father lost his job and entered a period of several years of underemployment. I remember my mother telling me “Pretty is as pretty does” – which fit well into her Christlike example of serving others. But I was born with my father’s artistic eye, and it wasn’t easy to feel limited. I remember feeling a bit discouraged when an acquaintance showed me her entire closet stuffed with new clothing, none of which was from a thrift store. But I knew even then that I had blessings this girl did not. In addition, I grew to nearly 6 feet tall by the time I was 14, so clothing that fit other girls did not fit me the same way. Pretty clothing (and some degree of self-respect) came to represent something out of reach for me, especially after I married and had several children. My nature and my mother’s are very different. My first husband had some very rigid ideas about who I was and how he wanted me to look in order to impress others, ideas that had nothing to do with my reality. It just wasn’t an easy experience, especially as I felt limited in many other ways during this time. I worked hard to do right and be who my Heavenly Father wanted me to be, and most of the time didn’t worry about my clothing that much. But I still wanted more.

Over the years, blessings of understanding have come little by little. I learned a lot from books on how to dress, particularly one I got about five years ago that I think was inspired – Carol Tuttle’s book “Dressing Your Truth”. I learned from this book that dressing is but an outward manifestation of what we believe about ourselves. For me this was revelatory, as I had been trying all my life to dress in either a perfectionistically fashionable or colorfully-effusive manner totally unsuited to my milder personality. Fast forward to this year. After I bought some clothing earlier this year, I recall feeling – for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE – that I had enough clothing. All through this summer I have been refining the closet, getting rid of things I no longer needed. Finally, there was nothing in the closet that I didn’t really like. It wasn’t a fancy wardrobe, and I didn’t look like I wanted to look, but it was ok. I felt like I was good enough without the clothing I admired in others. I felt I was growing in spite of that, and my self-esteem was no longer tied to the state of my wardrobe.

I started thinking more about how I really wanted to dress – to suit my divine reality and not the expectation of those around me. For some of us, including me, that is a hard-won lesson. The Lord was kind in teaching me at this point specifically what kinds of things would be more suitable to my new understanding of myself, namely a focus on plainer clothing of good quality. Nothing elaborate, nothing gaudy, and nothing ill-fitting. In the Lord’s eyes, modesty is avoidance of any behavior or dress that draws undue attention to oneself.  I now knew how I would dress, and had found suppliers that could provide good quality clothing that fits my tall, large body. Then – at this very point in time -  the opportunity came to work at a job full time, after several years of not working other than on my own business at home. It was also the first opportunity to do so in my adult life without children in our home.

Between the hard work I was putting in on school, my business and on my job the last month or two, I realized I needed to pay myself a little money and put into practice some of the things I had learned and prepared for. I bought some clothing recently, incorporating into my purchase all of the things I have been learning. Today I wore a new dress to church, and realized that for the first time in my life I am wearing the dress, not the dress wearing me. All of the struggle for obedient self-expression and self-realization has made the fruit of that understanding very sweet. I am also noticing that some people’s behavior towards me has stayed the same from the beginning, regardless of what I wear or look like, or how I live. Others’ behavior seems far more dependent on how well I match, how I look, how my surroundings look - meaning they are now beginning to pay more attention and are considerably more friendly, now that things are looking better. This is an interesting – and I believe important – realization. I think this was what the Lord has been trying to teach me all these years, that I am not my clothing, that the appearance is not necessarily the reality, and that I can be my true self, in appreciation of my milder, more subdued and thoughtful nature. In fact, that is what my Heavenly Father has always wanted for me – to draw closer to my own divine potential, something so latent and hidden that no one else around me understood it. Not even my parents really saw it – their concept of who I am has been far more limited than what the Lord had in mind, despite their immense love for me and ongoing supportive natures. I have had a hard time understanding my potential myself, and have spent a lot of time being afraid of that power I could feel within. I always felt my mortal limitations heavily until I met my now husband and eternal companion Lowell ten years ago. Lowell is 25 years older than I am, which I imagine gives him an added measure of wisdom. He seemed to “get it” from the first – and has incredible discernment regarding people, generally. Those who understood me despite my appearance, I now know are the truer friends. What a precious realization and gift – and as with most lessons from the Lord, well worth the time and pain in teaching.